Sanguine Spirits
by Luminous Beginnings
Summary: The Boy Who Lived, a Dead Man Walking, and a Poltergeist walk into a bar. Or rather the Leaky Cauldron. And there was a certain Miss Granger trying to make sense of the whole hullabaloo. For a matter of fact, so am I. Series of oneshots, punny
1. The Two Poltergeists

_Breaking News from the _**Cirno News Network**_, as elite reporter Rita Skeeter of the _**Daily Prophet **_has discovered, that indeed, under Magical British Ministerial Law, this author does indeed own everything. The Minister commented that even though the author was neither British, nor even remotely associated with either the _Harry Potter _series or the _Touhou_ series, the Ministry deems said author to be the owner. "As it is, he is an upstanding member of Magical Society, as he has many contributions to our world on the level of other upstanding citizens such as Lucius Malfoy. Hopefully, he can continue to be even more altruistic in the coming years."_

_Note: _**Cirno News Network **_and associated publications are produced under the _**Nineball Corp. (****⑨****)**_ Any information disseminated by _⑨_ is most likely untrue, and is rebutted by the parent corporation. Actually, it is most definitely untrue, and is completely false. Also, the British Minister is a lying idiot. We do not know why people still request his interviews. Perhaps they find him amusing._

_This has been a message from _**Nineball Corp. (****⑨****) **_and the _**Cirno News Network**_. Remember, _**WE ARE THE STRONGEST!**_ Now, back to your irregularly scheduled fic._

**Harry Potter and the Two Poltergeists**

Hermione was quite concerned for his friend's sanity. Ever since the battle at the Ministry, his welfare had taken a turn for the worse. No matter how many letters she sent, no matter how many times she attempted to call him, he barely responded. Of course, she had wondered if those… _relatives_ of his were refusing to let her get in touch. But even when she visited, he would barely speak a word. To her eyes, Harry had given up on life. It was as if there was nothing left to live for.

Until the day Sirius came back.

Granted, Hermione knew there was something suspicious about that. Sirius did not look like any ghost she knew of. Furthermore, she thought his claims as being a poltergeist were somewhat unreliable. Of course, she did have to admit to herself she was rather uncertain as to how poltergeists were created. But he looked too much like a human, and he even walked around! Sirius, of course, always lent himself to being a prankster, so perhaps that was the reason he was reborn in this manner. Or hanging onto life; one of the way, she had no choice but to wait until she got back to Hogwarts, and had access to the library.

On top of that, she was not encouraged by the fact that Sirius had managed to bring back yet another poltergeist. Honestly, the man could be so infuriating at times. Not only was this almost human poltergeist like himself, but also it was a female poltergeist. One that had decided to accompany him back from the netherworld, apparently. It took Hermione even longer than otherwise to believe that little tidbit of information.

Of course, it didn't help that Harry decided to tersely include all that information in the first letter he had deigned to respond to. He included no more than the simple: _Sirius back, poltergeist. Brought with him another one. Am alright. _Of course, Hermione wasn't going to let _that _stand without seeing it with her own eyes. At that, she gathered up her wand and made her way to Harry's pris- _home_, and make sure that no Death Eater had somehow managed to disguise himself as his godfather in an attempt to kidnap him.

Thirty minutes later, she left Number 4, Privet Drive with a stunned look on her face. Meeting someone you saw killed only a few weeks ago was hard enough. Seeing said dead person fading in and out of the halls scaring any Dursley that waddled past him was another thing entirely. Not to mention having a young girl with a funny pinkish hat and blue hair pop out of the wall drive them even crazier. Slowly making her way past the strange sight, and the twitching members of the Dursley family, she found Harry looking much happier than since school had ended.

No, he wasn't going crazy. No, she wasn't either. That was actually Sirius, back from the dead. Yes, he is a poltergeist. No, he is not like Peeves. He is stronger than Peeves, yes. He's relearning magic to help him. No, he doesn't know how Sirius can do that. Yes, that girl is a poltergeist too. She met Sirius when they were in the netherworld. No, that is not his girlfriend in the afterlife. Yes, that means he does have one apparently. I don't really want to think about that. She came because she was bored and wanted to try something new. Yes, you are still sane, Hermione. No, Luna has not visited me at all.

Eventually, Hermione ran out of questions, which led her away from the house towards her own home. She stayed in her room for a few days, trying to figure out exactly what had happened. Letters began to collect on her desk as Harry finally began to write back properly. Apparently, the trio was doing all they could to drive the Dursleys crazy, and repay them for all that they did to Harry. Her initial reaction to huff in disapproval died in her throat as she read further in each one, laughing at their antics. If there was one group of people that she could accept such behavior towards, it was them.

Of course, once she fully recovered from the shock, she began to reply with even more suggestions for revenge. If they had the means…

A few weeks later, Hermione decided to meet up with Harry and company. While Dumbledore _had_ attempted to have Harry accompany him to the Burrow, he refused. With the two poltergeists with him, he was having more fun than ever before. Hermione suspected that there was something more to this explanation though. Dumbledore had apparently hobbled for a week afterwards, according to Ron. Perhaps Sirius had been too eager in helping Harry stay put?

Either way, she was here standing inside the front door to the Leaky Cauldron. And instead of just finding Harry with a few invisible spooks beside him, the two poltergeists strolled in, looking human to the entire world. Harry just gave her a shrug, before she regained her senses and jumped him with a hug.

"Harry! It's so good to see you!"

He just grinned, something that she was glad to see him doing again. "You too Hermione. Not to say it hasn't been fun, but it'd be nice to be with someone sane again."

Seeing him jerk his head towards the two spirits, she just grinned. "I can imagine. So it's really Sirius there? Same as before?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "Sadly, it's even worse. Now that he can't die…" He trailed off; leaving the point hanging, he stepped aside. "Besides, I think he wants to say hi in person."

Her eyes drifted over to where Sirius was standing behind Harry, only to find him nowhere in sight. Eyes widening, Hermione stepped back, trying to find the prankster. However, a bark from above her gave her but a moments notice before she was tackled by the now dog poltergeist, whom decided to slobber said poltergeist spittle all over her.

Eventually struggling free from his grasp, she tutted and slapped the dog on the nose. "Sirius…" Even at her growl, he just sat on his haunches and wagged his tail, giving her the best equivalent of a dog smile.

Hermione just rolled her eyes and patted him on the head, trying to keep him under control. Turning to the other poltergeist, standing and grinning silently the whole time, she held out a hand. "And you are the one who helped Sirius, Miss…?"

She just grinned and took Hermione's hand, shaking it just a tad too vigorously. "Prismriver. _Merlin_ Prismriver." Harry snickered to himself, while the spirit gave a glaring Hermione an innocent look. "What? I thought that was how all you British people introduced themselves."

The poltergeist looked down, bobbing her strange hat. "Course, I could always introduce myself as Sirius here did? If that is preferable to you…" The smirk on her face as she faced Hermione was nearly chilling.

At that, the bushy haired girl blanched. "Umm… I'd rather not, actually." She tried to rally herself. "Hermione Granger. Pleasure to meet you."

Prismriver just nodded, her grin never leaving her face. "Of course, of course. Pleasure's all mine." She turned to face Harry. "Should we head in? We're holding up the entrance. Not that it's much of a problem for me."

Harry just shook his head and ushered the group over, taking one of the empty tables in the Cauldron. As they walked, Hermione regained a bit of her composure and addressed the girl. "So, why did you come with Sirius? Were you the one who helped him come back…?"

Grinning at Hermione, Prismriver replied, "Nah. That was the Princess of the Netherworld who found him, and she took a shine to him. My sisters and I heard stories of his home when we performed for her. So I decided to come along for a little while."

Hermione blinked at her. "Taken a shine? Do you mean…" At the spirits nod, she couldn't help but let her head tilt as she contemplated it. "How does that even…"

A raised eyebrow was all she got. Other than that perpetual grin, which seemed to be a permanent part of her face. "Do you _really_ want me to explain that to you, Hermione?"

"On that thought, not particularly." Shuddering slightly, her head hung for a moment, before snapping back up and staring at her in the eyes. "Wait. The only reason you came was because you were _bored?_"

Prismriver buffed her nails on her shirt, as the grin widened even more. "Perhaps I had an ulterior motive, perhaps not. After all, somebody needed to look after Harry when Sirius went back to visit."

Face turning red, Hermione was about to threaten the poltergeist with bodily harm regardless of the fact that it was impossible, before a shout from the bar interrupted them. "Oy! By Merlin, there's Harry Potter!"

At that declaration, Harry, Merlin, and Sirius (whom had transformed back and taken a seat by this time) gave each other truly wicked grins. Harry just replied, "Yup. I'm Harry Potter, sitting right beside Merlin."

_Oh no, they aren't seriously…_

The man at the bar just gave the blueish haired girl a once over before turning back to Harry. "You can't be serious! Merlin wasn't a girl!"

Harry gave Merlin a once-over, before shrugging and turning back. "Well, I'm definitely not Sirius, because he's sitting across from me. And as far as I can tell, Merlin is a girl." He turned back towards her. "You sure you're a girl, Merlin?" At her smirk, he turned back once more and shrugged again. "See? Merlin is a girl."

_By Merlin, they are… No, stop that!_

The man shook his head and burped. "You can't be serious…" Something triggered in his short-term memory banks, as he spun and faced the next person. "Wait, you're Sirius Black?"

Sirius' eyes glinted as he stared back. "I'm glad you got it right. That over there is my godson, Harry. I'm the only Sirius one here."

_Ouch… Maybe I shouldn't have hit my face that hard, but if they are really going to do this…_

The man, who seemed by this point to have taken a few more drinks, just replied, "I heard you were dead… Sorry bout. Read in the _Prophet_ that you got in a rather hairy situation.

Shaking his head sadly, Sirius tsked and looked over at his godson. "You might say that a Harry situation lead to my death. But it's alright. After I died, I had a few Sirius situations, until I decided to come back and just have Harry situations for now."

_Oh great, now it'll just get even worse._

Harry just scoffed. "Hardly. You go back and have your Sirius situations once a week. After all, doesn't she like it when you get Sirius?"

The older… spirit just laughed. "Of course she does! Everyone likes me when I'm Sirius!"

_Maybe it'll just end here… Yes… Sweet palm, please tell my forehead it'll go away..._

The man at the bar, who by this point was definitely drunk, slurred, "So', wai' a min'. Ye mean ya wen' and cheated death? By Merlin!"

Sirius just blinked at the drunk, deadpanning, "Yes, I know I am beside Merlin. It's quite obvious, actually. And I'll have you know, I've never cheated death! I've always been honest with her!"

_Bloody hell! Must he encourage them? This is ridiculous… Ok, forehead, apply directly to wall. Oww. Forehead, apply directly to wall. Oww. Forehead, apply…_

Merlin reached over and patted his hand, grin still on her face. "We know Sirius. And we know you've been having a withdrawal, since you've had no Sirius situations. Maybe you should go back and have some before school starts?"

Sirius jumped at that. "Really? Do you mind Harry?"

He shrugged, barely constraining his laughter. "Sure. We'll try not to have any Harry situations before you've had your Sirius ones, ok?"

_Urge… to… curse… rising..._

The godfather literally jumped out of his chair and hugged the two of them, shouting his thanks as he ran out of the door. Or rather, he ran through it. Being a poltergeist did have some advantages.

Seeing that they were now alone, Merlin focused her grin on Harry. "Well, at least we don't have anything Sirius to worry about now." Her eyes twinkled, as she tilted her head and contemplated something. "You know, I don't particularly care for them when they're Sirius, particularly." The poltergeist's grin slowly molded into a smirk. "Some of us like them better when they are Harry, after all."

_What? Is that poltergeist _**flirting**_ with Harry?_

That whole time, Harry had kept grinning. At least until she finished what she said. At that, he began to blush deeply as the grin that had covered his face slid off. "Wha… what? Merlin?" He couldn't say much more as he began to resemble a goldfish.

The girl leaned in closer, still smirking. When she got in front of his face, she just whispered out, "Gotcha." She leaned back and began to giggle.

Harry sighed and began to chuckle along. "Shoulda seen that one coming. Good one Merlin." Harry finally turned to face Hermione. "So, gonna join us Hermione?" He almost opened up his mouth to say something else, but thought better of it and stayed quiet.

_Maybe I'll be able to get something out of them… As long as they stay calm… And I can stay sane._

Merlin just bounced up and down, patting Sirius' former seat. "Come join us! We do need to catch you up, since you're Harry's friend." Fixing her expression, she gave Hermione the most innocent expression possible. "Besides, I don't bite. The only things I do are…"

"Merlin's hairy balls!"

The three turned to face the drunken man whom had just vacated his stool. While the two humans' jaws dropped, the poltergeist just grinned wickedly once again. Recovering first, Harry asked, "So, Merlin, something you want to tell us?"

Unfazed by the remark, she just shot back, "Hardly. After all, didn't you hear? He said Merlin's _Harry_ balls. My, a month since we've met and you're already telling all who claims them? Didn't take you to be so forward…"

_Ok… Enough. Maybe later they'll be sane. For now, sweet bliss as forehead is applied to the table. Goodbye cruel world!_

At that, Hermione's head clonked onto the table. Flanked by the mortified yet amused Harry and the crazy Merlin, she slept blissfully unaware of the rest of the conversation.

And also blissfully unaware of how long this year was going to be.

A/N Yes, this whole thing was an excuse to write that last scene. Any plot took second place to the plots. Not going to write any more of this (for now) unless someone(s) _really_ wants to see it. I've enough stories on my hands as it is. It was one of those that I had this idea in my head, and I just _had_ to type it. Either way, next chapter should be out by Monday, so until then!

Edited on March 23rd, 2012 for additional clarity. Da ze.


	2. Random Trains of Thought

_Breaking News from the _**Cirno News Network**_, as elite reporter Rita Skeeter of the _**Daily Prophet **_has revealed that a drunken Japanese man has held the Minister hostage after his last declaration. Whatever this man's motives may be; they must be rather serious, as in all reports the man is ranting and raving about something called the Eastern Project. The _**Daily Prophet**_ and the _**Cirno News Network**_ have no clue as to what this means for the Minister, but we here at the studio are praying for a speedy recovery of the esteemed Minister._

_Note: _**Cirno News Network **_and associated publications are produced under the _**Nineball Corp.****(****⑨****)**_ Any information disseminated by _**⑨**_ is most likely untrue, and is rebutted by the parent corporation. Actually, it is most definitely untrue, and is completely false. Also, we here at _**Nineball Corp. **_are anxiously waiting to see how long it takes to determine that Touhou simply means Eastern in Japanese. As if our associated publications would actually bother with this thing called translations._

_This has been a message from _**Nineball Corp.****(****⑨****) **_and the _**Cirno News Network**_. Remember, _**WE ARE THE STRONGEST!**_ Now, back to your irregularly scheduled fic._

**Random Trains of Thought**

The rocking of the Hogwarts Express was music to the ears of Harry Potter. Finally on the way back to school, and away from the muggles. As much fun as he had with his oh so loved relatives, he could not wait until he arrived at Hogwarts. It was truly his first home that he could think of. Nowhere else could feel the same.

Of course, what he couldn't wait for the most was the chance to inflict his two new companions on the rest of the populace.

Turning his head away from the window he had been gazing out, he found his two poltergeist companions. Sirius himself was sitting on the floor, wagging his tail and general getting ghost slobber over everything. Merlin had an energy ball she had pulled out of… somewhere, and was bouncing it around the compartment for him to catch. Harry had seen none of his other friends the whole time they had been on the train. Perhaps Hermione had warned them what they would have to expect if they did try to find them.

In an attempt to pass the time, he looked over at Merlin and asked, "So, what have ya got planned Merlin?"

She stopped throwing the ball, before turning about and giving Harry the most innocent expression that she could manage. "Whaaat? Little old me, having a plan for something? What would possibly give you that idea?"

Harry just grinned. "Mostly because I know you, and you're as big a prankster as Sirius if you really put your mind into it. Plus, he has the handicap of being sane, so you're much better at it anyways."

The girl with the blue harry blushed prettily, before replying with her own grin. "Aww, you say the nicest things." Spinning her wrist, she sent the ball flying over Sirius' head, keeping the dog-man quite busy and happy. "Well, I figured I'd pretend to fit in with all of ya'll. I wonder how long it would take for the teachers to notice me?"

Chuckling at her coy expression, Harry replied, "Nah, I think that it will be quite obvious that they'll smell you out. Besides, how long do you think it will take Sirius here to flap his gab?" He jerked his thumb in the direction of the dog, which was now alternating between chasing its tail and the ball above it.

"Oh, I'll just tell him it's a prank. That way he won't tell, unless he's feeling too bored." Merlin grinned. "And we can't have that, after all?"

Harry nodded sagely. "Indeed. Nothing is worse than a Padfoot with nothing to do. I fear for the world when that happens." He snickered. "At least we have Yuyuko to keep him busy a few days a week, aye?"

Merlin giggled at that. "Yup! It's crazy. My sisters tell me he goes from being sickeningly sweet to as hammy as possible, and she matches him every step of the way. And let's not get started on when they eat apparently…"

Grimacing, he replied, "Yeah, definitely. Never could imagine that there'd be a woman who could beat Ron in an eating contest. Shoulda figured it was a ghost."

"You should have." Merlin tapped a finger to her lips. "You said that McGoggles was the one in charge of sorting, right? Perhaps I could change the sorting list beforehand?"

Harry raised an eyebrow at that. "And how do you propose that?"

"Simple." An antique coronet popped out of the air and fell into her hands. "I just let her hear a few of my lovely practice notes. While she is still stark raving mad, I can scribble in what's necessary. Merlin Prismriver, Transfer Student. The Awesome Trumpeteer!"

A wearied chuckle escaped him as Harry rolled his eyes. "Somehow, I shoulda seen that coming. Still, I doubt she would simply go along with that." He raised an eyebrow at her. "And why would you go and make yourself a student anyways? It's not like you need to, in the first place."

She just shrugged, stroking her chin. "Mostly because I feel like doing so. After all, isn't it much more fun to subvert the system from within? Besides, we've got the insane little doggy here to take care of that angle?" At that, the dog turned about and saluted Harry and Merlin. "See? He's got it covered."

He chuckled, unable to help himself. "I suppose he does. So, you're just going to drive them crazy from within, while he does the obvious jobs you can't?" He glanced out of the compartment window. "I think you've already done a good job on Hermione. Every time she sees you, she alternates between blushing and hitting her head on the nearest hard object."

Merlin giggled herself as she brushed off her pink-white uniform. "Naturally, naturally. I do good work, after all." She eyed Harry speculatively. "Although, I believe it was the fact that you played along that did most of the work. It must have something for her, seeing poor innocent clueless Harry acting that way."

Rubbing the back of his head, he just shrugged. "Hardly, you got me good a few times there. I don't know how you say those things with a straight face half of the time."

"Practice, my dear. Practice." She grinned. "After all, I am a poltergeist; I do have a certain reputation to uphold."

"True." Harry turned his head to eye her. "So you're just using me a to uphold your own reputation?"

She just grinned, an odd glint shining in her eyes. "Well, I certainly can't just exploit you for your body, now can I?" She placed a hand on his shoulder, before slowly letting it sink in. Harry shivered as the ghostly cold ran through his body. "Although, it is amusing how you get the chills whenever I so much as touch you, after all."

"You wish that was the case." He jerked his head towards Padfoot. "Anyways, are you sure you want Sirius around for this? Didn't take you for an exhibitionist."

That caused her to laugh, before meeting his challenge. "Of course! Didn't you know that I always perform to my fullest, especially if it's in front of a crowd?" Seeing his face begin to redden, she smirked. "Besides, knowing him, he'd love to know that the girls can't keep their hands off of ya." At that, Sirius barked before nodding his head and snickering. "See what I mean? But if you insist…" At that, she pulled her hand out of his shoulder.

Before Harry could say anything, a red blur appeared outside the compartment's door. A moment later, the latch sounded. "Oy, Harry! Merlin, we've been looking for ye everywhere."

Before he could think about it, Harry turned to his companion. "Hey, Merlin, I didn't know you knew Ron. Is there something you need to be telling me?"

She gave Harry the most innocent expression she could. "Of course not Harry! I'd kill myself if I ever did that!"

He just rolled his eyes. "You're already dead, remember?"

"Well, that's besides the point, isn't it?" She leaned in close to him. "Besides, we've done this gag enough, haven't we? No need to milk it too badly."

Confused beyond all recognition, Ron just stared blankly. "Wha… what? What are you talking about mate? Who's this?"

Sighing audibly at Merlin's demand, Harry replied, "Sure." Turning to Ron, he just said, "Hey mate. This here is Merlin. She's…" He trailed off, unaware if he should reveal just exactly what Merlin was.

Of course, that let her fill in her own introduction. "His girlfriend!" Seeing the shocked look on Ron's face, she just tilted her own head. "Isn't that what it's called here? I can't quite remember after all. What do you call a girl who is someone's friend?"

Harry palmed his face, but all the same couldn't keep the smile off of it. "You just call them a friend, Merlin."

"Oh, oops. Well, in that case, I'm just Harry's friend." Seeing that Ron was imitating a goldfish by that point, she decided to change tactics. Doffing her hat, she withdrew an apple from within. "Here, my many apologies."

Eyes lighting up at the sight of food, he snatched it away. "Thanks, Miss Merlin! Maybe you're not so bad after all!" As he munched on the apple, he hardly noticed as his skin started to become pale and sickly.

At that point, Merlin covered her mouth as her eyes widened with shock. Harry noted that they still looked very amused with the situation as a whole, though. "I'm so sorry about that! It must have gone bad. Perhaps that's why Reimu doesn't eat them anymore…"

Not having a clue who Reimu was, or indeed that his skin had changed colors only moments before, Ron just ignored her statement and spoke to Harry. "Hey, Harry, was just coming by to let you know that someone in the front cars wanted to see you. Hey, why is there a dog on the floor?"

Harry just shrugged. "We tried to put him on the luggage rack, but every time the train rocked, the spittle flew everywhere. Besides, he's not a dog, so I figure that he should do whatever he wants to."

Ron scratched his head before moving on. "Sounds good enough for me. What is he though?"

Merlin grinned at Ron. "Something a bit more _ghastly_." Turning to Harry, her expression suddenly changed. "Sorry, Harry, but I need to get going if I want to get that business done. I'm so sorry." She put on her best puppy dog expression, outdoing Sirius at his finest. "Save me a seat on those fancy carriages you have, will ya?" At his nod, she changed expressions again. "Thank you Harry dear! I'll see you in a bit!" Without further pause, she jumped out of her seat, turned about, and dove straight at Harry. She vanished through his chest, causing the boy's teeth to chatter at the sudden influx of cold.

Blankly, Ron watched the whole seen. "Mate? Do I want to know what just happened?"

Forcing himself to clamp down on his teeth, Harry shook his head. "Nah, Don't worry about. Merlin is just… special." He shrugged, before folding his arms for warmth. "Come on, let's go see what this is all about, Zombie Ron."

* * *

Bouncing about the carriage as it trundled up towards up towards the castle, Harry scowled at Hermione. He had indeed tried to save a spot for Merlin, but Hermione seemed hell-bent on preventing that from happening. She had immediately claimed the seat beside him, before shoehorning Ron and Ginny into the seats across from them. At that, the carriage trundled off from the station, leaving him in a decidedly unhappy mood.

Eventually, he looked up from his seat and at Ginny, who seemed to be trying to draw attention to herself. Oddly enough, Harry felt this odd constriction in his chest, as something seemed to roar inside of him.

Then an extremely familiar blue haired head with a pink hat popped out of his chest.

Seeing the shock on the faces around him, the head looked around, before turning towards Harry. Somewhat more underwhelmed than a normally adjusted person should have been, he simply deadpanned, "Hello, Merlin!"

Giggling to herself, she grinned up at him. "Hello, Harry! Why didn't you save a seat for me?"

Harry just shrugged at her. "I tried to, but Hermione seemed _dead_ set against it happening."

Merlin's head twisted about to face Hermione. "Really? She looks rather alive to me. And trust me, I know dead."

Hermione took the opportunity to bash her head against the wall. "I believe you know perfectly well what I meant, Merlin."

"You know, it _is _rather bad to assume these things. After all, it does make an ass out of you." She gazed about the carriage. "Well, since you took my seat, I suppose I'll take Harry's instead." With that remark, the rest of her materialized, before plonking down onto Harry's lap."

Hermione took that time to rebut Merlin. "I'm afraid that statement says that it makes an arse of you and me, ghost."

The poltergeist gave a sharp intake of breath. "Oh, no! Hermione just attempted to insult me by calling me a ghost! Hold me, Harry!" At that, she swooned back, pretending to faint.

Harry just chuckled. "Yes, yes, we know, poor Merlin. Now, you should sit up and act your age."

She huffed at him. "I'll have you know, Mr. Potter, that I am quite mature for my kind!" She punctuated this by giving him a raspberry. "So… Do you think I'm an arse, Harry?"

Carefully, he waged his options, before slowly responding. "Of course not, dear. And no, your butt doesn't look big in that dress, either."

She giggled. "Good, I've trained you well. But you're still way too serious."

Harry raised his eyebrows. "I cannot let that challenge go unanswered. I'll have you know that I'm not Sirius in the slightest."

Before either of them could say anything else, they were interrupted by Ron's exclamation of "Merlin! She's a poltergeist."

At that, the wicked grin appeared on her face again. "Yes, I do know I am a poltergeist." She turned to face him. "And from your skin's pallor, I'd say that you were a miko."

"A what? I'm a wizard!" Ron looked at her oddly, then at his sister and friend who had apparently been talking to him. "And what do you mean by… pal-ur? I feel fine."

Hermione took the moment to interject, frowning at Merlin. "Your skin tone. You look real sickly, as if you were undead."

Ron just looked down at himself. "I don't see anything wrong… Maybe it's just Merlin and her ghost thing."

The spirit rolled her eyes. "As if. But it does raise a question." Removing her hat once again, she withdrew another apple. Turning to Harry again, she offered it. "For the apple of my eye, the most important man in my life?"

Snorting, Harry took it. "I'm the only man in your life, last I checked." Biting down into it, it tasted like an apple. Which was odd, considering its supposed origin. "Hrm. If I am what the apple of your eye looks like, then what does the eye of an apple look like?"

Merlin stroked her chin, contemplating. "I'm not particularly sure. I know of a vampire that might though. Maybe we can have her visit."

At that point, Ginny decided to blow up at the two. "Are you actually _serious_? I can't believe that a ghost like you would try and steal Harry away?"

"No, she's not Sirius, Ginny. He already went up to the castle." Harry chuckled at her bemused look. "And she is a poltergeist, so can do a lot more than a ghost. Think Peeves, but with more brains and good looks." The last comment earned a giggle from said spirit.

"You do say the kindest things. But you should know, Ginny, that any lesser man would be _dying_ to see me."

Harry snorted. "Naturally, of course. But that makes you decide to come up here and drive us all _mad_, instead?"

She grinned at him. "It is my specialty, after." Finally, the carriages decided to stop, prompting the two to vacate said carriage and enter the castle, leaving the three others behind. "So, am I succeeding?"

Shaking his head, Harry just laughed. "I would have to say so. Not to toot your horn, of course."

Merlin suddenly stopped, before turning around in front of Harry with a suddenly blank face. "Oh? What if I wanted you to toot it? Maybe I'd let you, if I could return the favor." At his blush, the face cracked into a grin again. "Oh, Harry, you're too easy. I see I still have plenty of training to do." At that, she took him by the arm and gently forced him to continue. "Let's go have some fun."

* * *

With the Great Hall filling quickly, Harry and Merlin hurried over to take their seats at the end of the table. Barely two minutes had gone by until the pair was approached by the looming shadow of a beard.

"Hello, Harry. How are you this evening? And who might this charming young lady be?" Dumbledore gazed down at the two, his eyes twinkling.

Merlin took the opportunity to doff her hat. "I'm Merlin, young man. And who might you be?"

"I'm the Headmaster of this institution, young lady," Dumbledore answered. "And trust me, I have lived many a year in my life. Many more than yourself." His eyes twinkled again before continuing. "Nonetheless, I find myself confused as to why you are here. I know of every single student under my tutelage. And you are not one of them."

Replacing herself, she adopted a coy look. "Why, headmaster, I believe I am but a new student."

"Oh really?" Dumbledore looked down while stroking his beard. "How perplexing. New first years are to have arrived via the boats. And I am unaware of any new students being transferred in."

Merlin shot him a winning grin. "Oh, you might say that I'm a rather _recent_ addition. But I am quite sure that my name is on the list of students."

He just smiled at her gently. "If you say so dear girl. You may sit here until the sorting begins in proper. Good evening to you." At that, he swept away, retreating to his throne-like seat upon which he observed the hall.

As he did so, Harry shook his head ruefully. "You know, I'd almost say you're having too much fun with this."

She pouted at him, lip quivering. "Aww, Harry, you know there is no such thing as too much fun! What's that supposed to mean? It's like saying that you're too handsome for little old me! Or too rich, for that matter."

Ears reddening, he deflected the comment. "You know, maybe I shouldn't have let you listen to that funny American radio station over the summer. It's giving you horrible songs to paraphrase."

"Perhaps." She grinned. "But you know my profession, so I would have heard it sooner than later." She raised a finger and tapped it on her chin. "I do believe it needed more trumpet though."

"Don't you think everything needs more trumpet?"

"Exactly."

They were interrupted by the slam of opening doors. A dark figure with sallow skin stalked inside, his robes fluttering behind him. Before he reached the stool upon which the sorting hat was resting, he stopped. Somewhat awkwardly, he pulled out a list and stared at it. Moments later, he growled, "Malfoy, Come here! You'll be performing this!"

The blonde in question just tilted his head, confused. "Why is that, Professor Snape? And where is McGonagall?"

Silkily, he replied, "She is… indisposed. I have been delegated this task thusly, and I have decided that you should do it instead."

Before Malfoy could retort, Dumbledore cut in. "Hardly, Severus. It is, after all, a great honor to be introducing young students to their new world. For what reason would you give up such a privilege for?"

After a few more moments of staring back and forth between the angry potions master and the serene headmaster, Snape relented. "I suppose, Headmaster. My apologies." Nobody in the hall believes the second thing he said.

Harry leaned over to Merlin and whispered, "So, what exactly did you do to McGonagall? I thought you were going to be gentle?"

Trying to deflect criticism, Merlin gave her most winning smile. "Nothing too bad. I just drove her a little barmy. She should be fine. Honestly!"

Harry just tsked at her. "Did you, pray tell, decide to use a tri-tone on top of that?"

Harry enjoyed actually catching the poltergeist off guard enough to make her blush. The only response he received was a long, drawn out "Maybe…"

He patted her shoulder. I suppose it's ok, as long as she'll be alright. Just remember to be gentler in the future. Not all wizards are as tough as I am."

Grinning at her companion, Merlin only replied, "Indeed. There are many things that you are that many are not."

Finally, Harry was able to react to that without blushing himself. "I'm glad you think so highly of me. I was almost _killing_ myself not knowing that."

"Only almost? I suppose I have to try harder then. I was really looking forward to getting to know you in the afterlife."

"Maybe next time." Another thought struck Harry. "Wait a second. Why did Snape try to get Malfoy to do the reading for him."

Merlin shrugged. "Maybe whomever is in charge of all this couldn't figure out a logical way to get him to read it otherwise."

Harry sighed, "That sounds like a bit of a cop-out."

Nodding in agreement, Merlin simply replied, "Indeed." Spotting the incoming first years, she backed up bench and waved at Harry. "See you in a bit!"

Chuckling to himself, Harry just watched as an irritated Snape tersely read off each name in succession. Finally finishing off the younger years, the angry man begins to read off a rather verbose list of titles. "The Wonderful, Whimsical, Precocious, Plucky, Scintillating, Spectacular, Astonishing, Ardent Trumpeteer, Merlin… Potter‽" The last word was issued with a shout, as a vein began pulsating on the man's head.

The whole time the list had been read, Merlin had taken her time to walk up and sit down on the stool. When he had finished reading, her smile had grown to truly wicked proportions. Turning to the man, she snatched the list away and pulled a pen out of somewhere. Taking the moment to scribble a correction on the paper, she gave it back to the man as she sported that same smile. "Many apologies. I had become over… enthusiastic, when I submitted my application. It should be correct now."

The man sputtered and dropped the hat on her head. After a moment, the brim on it's mouth open. "Say, Severus, did you perchance drop me on the stool again? Hard to tell in this light. Where is that last student to be sorted?"

Merlin answered from under the hat. "Oh, I'm right under you. Don't worry, take your time. I have all the time in the world myself."

The hat frowned. "I hear you under there, but I can't find you. Are you certain this isn't a prank? I am able to read any person living, so there must be something going on here."

The smile on the spirit's face could hardly be called natural by this point. "Well, that might be your problem then."

Still frowning as best as a hat could frown, it asked, "So, could you give me your name, since Severus here apparently had the wrong one?"

"Oh, alright. Merlin Prismriver."

The hat stilled, and became silent. A few moments later, it issued a sound close to a whimper. "Are… are you the one with the trumpet?"

A low chuckle issued from the girl. "Heard of me, have you? I could give you a demonstration."

Rocking back and forth, the hat did everything to indicate its displeasure. "No no, assuredly, I am fine. Please have mercy on a poor hat. Just go, wherever you wish to be. Just please, have mercy." By now, the hat had begun to cry, spilling whatever dye it still had left all over the surrounding floor. And Snape.

"Oh, if you insist. Thank you much." At that point, she rose, turned and presented the hat to a still sputtering Snape, and glided on over to Harry. As she took her seat in the silent hall, she turned to Harry. "So, did I do well?"

Appeasing her puppy dog eyes, he patted her on the head. The part that wasn't covered by a hat, that is. "Of course dear, you did very well."

She flashed a grin at him. "Thank you Harry. But the main act is starting now."

Before Harry could answer, a dark blur melted through the walls and streaked towards Snape. Reforming moments before impact, it grabbed onto the man and sent him flying to the floor. "SNIVELLUS! Guess who's back!"

The greasy haired man's eyes widened. "N-no! You can't be back! You died!"

The black form laughed, before floating up and reforming. "Of course I died! It was such an interesting experience, after all. Even if it was way too _serious_." Despite the absurdity of the situation, the heads of one Gryffindor prefect and the Gryffindor Head of House both met the hardwood table at the same time. "But fear not! For I have returned, and for the rest of your life, you shall not have to worry about going prankless!"

Snape imitated a goldfish for a moment, trying to back away from the spirit. "B-begone, Black! You are but a ghost! You can't harm me, no longer!"

The smile that graced Sirius' face caused shivers to run down the man's spine. "Fu fu fu… I'll have you know that I am a true poltergeist, and not a simple ghost like…" A puzzled look suddenly crossed his face. "Did I serious just go fu fu fu? I've been spending way too much time with the princess, I think. Oh well." During his brief introspection, Snape had tried to make his escape. "Oh, no you don't! Get back here Snape! I have experiments to conduct! Such as if your underwear still matches after all these years!" At that, he took off after the running man.

As Snape left the halls, his echoing yells continued to ring clear in the Great Hall. "No! Black, don't you do it! Black! No! Nooo! NOOOOO!"

After the screams faded, and the hall grew silent again, Dumbledore tried to regain control by making his speech. Afterwards, as the hall began its meal and chatter blanketed the air, Harry leaned towards Merlin, "So, should we remember to mention that remark to Yuyuko? See what she thinks about him looking at men's undergarments."

Stroking her chin, Merlin replied, "Perhaps. But we have to get Yuyuko in the right attitude so that she'll be suitably shocked. Otherwise, she might just find it funny."

Harry shrugged. "Perhaps. She'll take the mickey out of him, either way." Looking to see if anyone was focusing on their conversation much, he whispered, "So, you think you've caused enough madness?"

Merlin smiled back at him. "Of course not. But it has been very fun so far. This will be a very entertaining year, I do think." Meeting his eyes, she continued. "Very entertaining, indeed."

A/N So I lied. Here's another chapter. So sue me. I'll be un-completing the story, since the concept has amused me so. Although the premise is still just an excuse to make jokes. Very bad jokes, at that. Here's to hoping that this thing won't develop too much of a _plot_. Because if it does… Well, either way. I wrote it for laughs, and I hope you had many too.

As it is not so serious (rimshot), I'll take suggestions. Not going to say I'll follow them, but if you have any ideas for jokes, I'll be glad to hear them. Anywho, all this time I spend typing this up could have been time I spent on my main stories, but oh well. You're all welcome to review, even if it is just to tell me how bad jokes in the story are. Until next time!


	3. Rouse the Professor, Incite the Spirit

_Breaking News from the _**Cirno News Network**_, as elite reporter Rita Skeeter of the _**Daily Prophet **_just found out that the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister has just issued a statement, calling for the arrest of the drunken man who assaulted the Minister. Said man was last seen being carried on the shoulders of various patrons of the Leaky Cauldron through Diagon Alley. She has claimed that he and his allies are a threat to the traditional way of British life, and politics. It is noted by the _**Daily Prophet**_ forbids the use of negative language such as bribery, and has replaced any and all words in the statement to inspire a more civil environment._

_Note: _**Cirno News Network **_and associated publications are produced under the _**Nineball Corp. (**⑨**)**_ Any information disseminated by _⑨_ is most likely untrue, and is rebutted by the parent corporation. We here are _**Nineball Corp.**_ would like to point out that our CEO and founder would like to have a meeting with the aforementioned Undersecretary. The moment she saw her picture, she started to droll and talk about freezing. We expect to air the resulting meeting on pay-per-view._

_This has been a message from _**Nineball Corp. (**⑨**) **_and the _**Cirno News Network**_. Remember, _**WE ARE THE STRONGEST!**_ Now, back to your irregularly scheduled fic._

Chapter 3 - Rouse the Professor, Incite the Spirit

"Graah!" Ginny Weasley slammed her fists on the table once again. "I am tired of this girl messing around with Harry!"

Hermione just looked at Ginny dully. "You don't say. I couldn't tell from the way you were pulling at your hair. Or pounding the table until it cracked. Or All your drawings on your homework where you are alternating between stabbing and choking Merlin."

"Oh, enough of that, Hermione!" Ginny glared at the older girl. I get enough of that talking to that excuse of space. Seriously, what does she think she'll accomplish? She's a _ghost_, it's not like she could have him even if she tried."

Hermione interrupted her. "She's a poltergeist, there is a difference. And a lot of that is just your jealousy speaking, and you know it."

Shrugging to show her lack of concern about that, the redhead just replied, "So what? And the most important thing about her is still true. She's _dead_. As in, not alive. So why is she here, and why should we let her stay?"

Sighing, Hermione said, "She did let Sirius come back. Or she led him here, something like that. And you know how poorly Harry was before he came back. It's something we just need to grin and bear."

"Like you can do that." Ginny snickered to herself. "Every time you see the girl, you want to hit your head on something. Why else do you have a permanent knot forming on your forehead?"

The older girl grimaced, rubbing said knot. "I am aware, actually. But the point remains, she helped bring Sirius back. And she was able to get Harry out of his funk, and actually acting like a normal person. A normal person with a crazy poltergeist who likes him and constantly following him everywhere, but a normal person nonetheless."

Ginny just shook her head. "It's not the same! Last year he finally started to notice me! And he had even gotten over Cho since she dumped him! It was my chance. She's not good enough for him anyways. Constantly throwing herself at him with all those innuendos…"

"You know you do the same to him." Hermione looked down at the younger girl. "You're constantly offering to do things with him too. And even when Dean is in the same room! It's a wonder he hasn't figured out what you're attempting to do."

Shrugging, the redhead said, "We both know that it isn't a long term thing. And Harry is supposed to be jealous of me for having a boyfriend."

_Ok, now Ginny is making me want to hit my head. What is it with my friends this year?_ "You're thinking of Ron, Ginny. The only thing Harry is jealous of is your family, but he'll never admit it."

She bounced up in her seat. "See! He wants a family! I can give him that!" Ginny began stroking her chin. "But still, we have to get Harry away from that damnable poltergeist. Could we get Peeves to torment her until she gives up?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Another poltergeist to take care of the one? Peeves _likes_ Merlin, thinks she's a good force of chaos. Not as destructive, thankfully, but one in the same. You might have a chance with a ghost." Seeing the girl would not give up, she shrugged her shoulders. _What harm could it do?_ "Myrtle did offer to let Harry share her toilet when he died, though."

"Yes! That'll work. Thank you Hermione!" She glommed the other girl before bounding up the stairs. "I have planning to do! How to steal Harry's heart Plan # 47-23…"

Hermione just stared up the stares, before slowly slamming her head on the table. _Maybe that wasn't such a good idea. _

_-oo-_

"You know Merlin, they're just gonna keep asking you why you aren't in uniform after every class. Classes which I still don't know why you're taking."

The blue haired spirit just flashed another of her grins at him. "I told you, it's the best way to make things interesting. Besides, you could use some variety here. You should see the witch at home, she changes her outfit all the time!"

Harry just rolled his eyes. "I've heard plenty about Marisa from both you and Sirius. It makes me worried when a girl my age can make him tuck his tails between his legs and run with one spell. Especially now that he can't die."

Floating forward so that she could face him as they walked, Merlin just shook her head. "She's not that bad. And besides, us poltergeists can feel pain too!"

"Really?" Shaking his head, Harry said, "Well, I suppose that's something new I should know. Maybe if you get too out of hand, I'll just have to put you over my knee and spank you."

Stopping in midair, she looked at him blankly before grinning. "Better, Potter. Looks like I'm finally rubbing off on ya." She then winked at him before turning around. "Just don't make a girl a promise if you aren't going to keep it."

Suddenly mortified at her implications, Harry clamped his mouth shut as his ears burned. Turning the corner, he found himself standing in front of Professor McGonagall.

Giving him a nod, she blandly stated, "Mr. Potter, good to see you." Turning to face the blue haired poltergeist, she said, "And the new student. I don't suppose you have a minute to talk?" Without waiting for an answer, she turned and began strolling away.

Harry shook his head, before muttering sarcastically, "She sounds like she was in a good mood. How badly did you hit her with your powers?"

She smiled innocently. "Nothing worse than what I did to you…"

Still shaking his head, he grabbed a hold of her and began to pull her along after McGonagall. "Yeah, but I had a few months to get used to your music. Or, at least to not going crazy at the mere sound of it."

Merlin shrugged back at him. "You know that sanity's overrated, anyways."

Turning a corner behind the retreating form of the professor, he said, "True, I suppose. I suppose I just want to give them a chance, rather than letting you pitch them head first into your kind of humor."

"But I thought you said they like pranksters here?"

He chuckled. "No, _Sirius_ said that. And of course, he's stuck up enough to believe it. Of course there are plenty here, but they get into trouble all the time." He turned his head to look at her. "Course, I don't see how they could hold you, even if you weren't a poltergeist."

Laughing softly, she replied, "Of course. But I don't believe I've bothered to show you any of the good stuff, I suppose? More's the pity."

"Good stuff? Do I dare ask?"

"Oh, I don't know…" She batted her eyelashes at him. "Shooting hundreds of bullets of energy at people counts, right?"

Harry slowly nodded, intrigued. "You have mentioned a few times about introducing Uncle Vernon to the business end of your horn. Not to mention all of what you told Dudley." He shivered for a second. "That still gives me nightmares, I'll have to admit."

Merlin just shook her head and grinned, again. "Well, maybe I'll have to do something about that. Would you mind if I did?" Before he could answer, McGonagall interrupted them. "Oh, hey there. Were you waiting there for us the whole time?"

Dryly, the professor replied. "Yes, I've been standing here for quite a while, miss. But I suppose introductions come first. I am-"

During her short spiel, Merlin had been studying the teacher. Satisfied with whatever answer she was looking for, she finished her sentence. "Minnie, right? It's what Sirius told me, at the least."

Groaning heavily, McGonagall laid her forehead into her hand. "Of course he would go out of the way to tell you that. Where did you meet him, anyways? I was quite certain that he had… passed last year." She seemed somewhat surprised by Harry's small grin at that statement.

Shrugging, Merlin answered her. "Actually, he did. But then he met my sisters and I, and eventually decided to come back to this world."

McGonagall stared blankly at her. "Are you saying that he's some kind of ghost? And how would you have been able to meet him if he was _dead_." She paused for a second. "And for that matter, where do you live in the first place?"

The cheeky spirit answered, "Oh, we met him in the Netherworld. It's not that bad of a place. Evil cherry trees, a gate that won't open, and it's a bit gloomy. But it's nice, otherwise. The air is very clean. Except for all the spirits floating around." Taking on a superior tone, she continued, "But I'm afraid that Sirius is not a ghost. He's a poltergeist."

"Of _course_, of all the things that man could reincarnate himself as, it would have been one of those." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "If that was the case though, why haven't I heard from him? I know he found much delight in driving me up the wall, every chance he could get."

Harry intervened in their conversation with, "He's probably just tormenting Snape. You didn't see him, because he only announced his presence at the sorting." Pausing for a moment to think, he shrugged. "Besides, he mentioned something about making him as paranoid as possible."

Glancing warily around, she nodded slowly. "I… see. Thank you, then, Mr. Potter." Turning back to Merlin, she stated a bit more plainly, "But what was that about meeting him in the _Netherworld_? I would hardly think that possible, especially for a young lady your age."

Merlin took the moment to doff her hat. "Oh, I'm hardly as young as your implying. But I do thank you all the same; it's quite flattering." She continued saying, "And the reason we met him in the netherworld was due to the fact that his spirit was reincarnated as a poltergeist, and the Princess of the Netherworld took a shine to him."

Professor McGonagall sighed. "Really, this is getting quite outlandish enough. A _princess_ of the Netherworld? For that matter, how would you have gotten back and forth between here to there? From all of what we know, the departed are sent to a different plane of existence, and ghosts are simply the echoes of spirits who did not wish to pass over." Huffing, she drew herself up and peered down at the pink-clad girl. "Considering the abject foolishness of the entire situation, and the contact you've had with whatever remnant of Sirius has been left behind, I would suspect this to be a rather elaborate prank."

Shrugging, Merlin replied, "Maybe so. Or maybe we simply decided to tell the truth, as you would never believe it anyways." She grinned. "Oh well. Is that all?"

"No, it isn't." Rubbing her forehead, she muttered, "If the headache that knocked me out last night was bad enough, on top of this…" Composing herself again, she said, "I wished to have a discussion with you on your competency. You may have been a registered student, one that I do _not _remember allowing into the school, but one the same. The Hat has the final word. I wished to gauge your competency with magic."

Harry just looked on in bemusement, volunteering, "Professor? You are aware that classes started today, and that she's been attending all of them."

"I am aware Mr. Potter. However, I still wish to see for myself, so that she may be placed at the correct level." Fed up with the stalling, she brought out a mouse and placed it on the table. "Now, please, can you transform that mouse into signpost? If you're capable of doing much."

Merlin frowned, walking over to the mouse. "But Minnie, the mouse looks perfectly _happy_ as it is. Why would I want to change that by making it into a signpost?"

Vein in the head beginning to pop, McGonagall replied, "That is not the point. We can discuss ethics later; as for now, I wish to see you perform the spell. Do you need a reminder of what it is?"

Smile snapping back onto her face, Merlin snapped her fingers and summoned trumpet. "Nah, I think I know what to do." Before the Professor could ask what was happening, the trumpet began playing.

Knowing what was coming, Harry made sure to focus his attention on something. Like the spot on the table beside the mouse. He refused to listen to the music that was wafting through the room. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the mouse staring at the trumpet, transfixed by the music it was making. As the music continued to play, Harry could almost swear that he saw a tear coming out of its eye.

So fixated on the mouse and the table, he was unprepared for Merlin's shout. Especially as she had relocated herself so that she could voice said shout from right next to his ear. "Professor McGonagall, I'm done! What do you think?"

Turning, Harry found his Professor with the largest, sappiest smile he had ever seen her wearing. "What I think? I think that was bloody brilliant! I'm so happy to have seen such a display!"

Harry took a moment to glance and make sure that the mouse was still there. Indeed, it had not transformed in the few seconds since he had looked up. It still was a rat. Not a signpost. Looking up at Merlin, he opened his mouth to ask the question. However, she just winked at him.

Focusing back on the professor, she asked, "Why, Minnie, I'm glad you think so highly of my magic. I've never seen someone so excited over my magic before." Voice dripping with sweetness, she whispered to herself, "I've never had a teacher praise me so much."

Still smiling, Professor McGonagall actually stepped forward, removed Merlin's hat, and ruffled her hair. "Poor dear, you couldn't have had very good teachers then. Well, I will say that I'm looking forward to seeing what you can do!" She eventually stopped, placing the hat back on her head. "Now, I seem to remember wanting to ask you something else, but I can't remember quite what it was. The other teachers had been complaining about something or the other…"

Merlin smiled innocently and said, "Was it something about the uniform? I know that some of the other instructors did not appreciate my wearing it very much…"

"Well, how can that be? You just look adorable in that outfit." McGonagall's smile faded slightly, as she pondered the next bit. "And it's high time that we added more color to our wardrobes. In fact…" She waved her wand, and a duplicate of Merlin's hat fell on Harry's head. "There! Much better I do say. I'm not a fashion designer though, so I won't try and give you a matching outfit. Unless you'd care to wear a dress, Mr. Potter?"

Seeing the smiling, yet serious look on the face of his normally stalwart professor, Harry shook his head. "No, no I'm fine, believe me." He grabbed the brim of the hat as it began to slide off, thinking, _How does she get this thing to stay on her head?_ "If that is everything, I think we need to get going. Dinner should be starting soon, after all.

"Of course, Potter, Miss. Shoo now. But you're welcome back at any time. Especially you, young lady." Without waiting for their reply, she spun about and exited the room, muttering something under her breath about transfiguring and crumpled horns.

Turning to her human partner, Merlin gave him a theatrical pout. "Aww, Harry. I had a few more minutes that we could have played with her. She still had a bit of madness in her."

"I didn't want to push it too far though. How did you know how long she would last anyway?" Harry tilted his head, expecting an answer.

One that was found in the form of a fist rapping the top of his head. "Harry, do remember I drove her crazy just recently, to get in here as a student? Please, I'm not an amateur at this."

Harry held his hands up in surrender. "Alright, Merlin, you win. My most humble apologies."

She harrumphed, before looking away. "Not good enough Potter. You've insulted me in the basest way. You implied that I was an amateur at my profession!"

Rolling his eyes, Harry said, "I thought your profession was to play the trumpet. Not to trick people."

Gasping, she drifted into the air, lying as if she was about to face, hand upon her forehead. "Egads! No, you are most mistaken. It may be my calling to be a trumpeter, but my profession, nae, my very reason for existing, is to trick people!"

"And while you may want an apology, you were doing all that to try and trick a favor or a _proper_ apology out of me, as you would probably put it."

Grinning somewhat sheepishly, she twisted in the air until she was standing and bowed slightly. "Indeed I was. Good spot, my young grasshopper. Can you blame me for trying though?"

Harry grinned back at her. "Can I blame a fish for trying to swim?" Shaking his head, he reached up to grab her hand. "Come on, we do need to get moving. You may not need to eat anymore, but I certainly do." Preemptively, he stopped and turned around, shaking his finger. "And no, that does not mean that you're on the menu."

"Ah, pity. It looks like I'll have to learn some new lines, Harry. You've learned a lot of my little tricks." Smiling still, even though there was a disappointed glimmer in her eye, she obliged him and returned to the ground. "If you insist. We should probably be there anyways. Minnie will want to know my name, after all."

"She didn't ask, did she?" Harry shook his head. "Your appearance took enough of a toll on her. Plus using both of your powers… Sure you're not going to truly drive her insane?"

Merlin laughed at that. "If I wanted her insane, she already would be, Harry." She smirked at him. "Besides, I'm still disappointed you went out of the way to avoid my power. Are you sure you couldn't have just been affected for a teeny bit?"

Shaking his head while returning his own small grin, Harry replied, "I'm quite sure. The last time that you I did, I found out from Sirius that you took the opportunity to feel me up."

Unabashedly, she just nodded. "And you were quite happy about the whole deal, all the same."

"That's kind of your shtick, isn't it Merlin? Induce happiness in those you want?"

"True, true." She thought for a second, before counting off on her fingers, "Happiness, Joy, Ecstasy, Peace of Mind, Mania, Madness…" She shrugged. "There are an infinite number of different sides to that coin. I just _want_ the music to play in a certain way, and it does so." She shrugged. "Well, it's more complicated then that, but I've told you before. However, you know I would never do anything too untoward to you while you were under the influence." She suddenly snapped to attention, hand over her heart. "Poltergeists honor!"

Harry grinned, and replied, "Let me see your other hand." She pulled it out, fingers crossed. "Exactly what I thought. But what about that one time that Sirius decided it was a good idea to get me drunk?"

Merlin giggled to herself. "That doesn't count, since I was under the influence too! It's not like you didn't drink us both under the table, anyways."

"It's the things that you tried to do under there that had me worried." Harry paused, thinking. "How did it take so little to get you drunk though. I thought the whole deal about being an ancient spirit would give you a little more fortitude."

Merlin tsked at Harry. "Please, do remember that I like to pretend to be young still. And besides…" She floated into the air above Harry, before dropping onto him. "I'm a poltergeist. I'm a _lightweight._" She giggled up at him as he let loose an anguished groan. "Well, I didn't think it was _that_ bad."

"Trust me, it was worse." Staring down at the poltergeist that had decided to leap into his arms, he shook his head. "And are you going to get down?"

She shook her head, grinning the whole time. "Nope. This is your punishment for calling me old. You have to carry me the rest of the way there." The grin suddenly widened into a malicious smirk. "Just be glad that you didn't say that this skirt made my butt look big. You don't want to know what would have happened then."

Harry shivered. "Definitely then. Well, off to the Great Hall, then." Walking through the first through corridors, mercifully not encountering any of the students, Harry remarked, "I'm also amazed that McGonagall didn't mention anything about you being a poltergeist. Considering that Ron, Ginny, and Hermione have probably told the other students, the rumor meal should have gotten it around by now."

Merlin shrugged in his arms. "Plot hole."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Plot hole?"

Merlin just nodded, before shock covered her face. "I.. I mean… Yukari did it!"

Deadpanning, Harry said, "Yukari did it?"

Nodding quickly, Merlin tried to explain, "Yes, of course she did. I told you about her gaps. That's one of the things we call them back in Gensokyo. Plot holes. Because a gap is a hole, right? And sometimes she would swallow up whole plots of land."

"Of course dear, whatever you say." Harry shook his head. "If I didn't already know that magic existed, I'm pretty sure I'd be seeing a psychiatrist after all of this."

"Why is that? Sanity is too boring…"

He shrugged. "Gensokyo seems to have a special type of insanity though. I'm not quite about to fall that low."

A sad look flashed across her face, before her face set into a resolute smile. "Well, we'll have that fixed soon enough! After a bit more time, that common sense won't be holding you back." She smiled brightly, finishing with, "Don't worry, I'm sure you can do it!

Harry shook his head, unable to keep the grin off his face. "You know you shouldn't do that. That happiness is infectious, mercy upon my soul."

Spotting an opening, Merlin struck, saying, "Getting poetic on me? You shouldn't hav-"

"Harry!"

Head snapping up to the source of the shout, Harry found a bespectacled girl floating in front of him, with a blank look on her face. Glancing at Merlin whom was also staring at the girl and back up, he sighed. "Hullo there, Myrtle."

"Harry! What do you think you're doing with that… that…" She stopped, unable to think of a word. "Harlot!" Eyes flashing, she flew up to his face, staring him down. "Here poor Ginny comes and tells me that you've been seduced by some poltergeist, and I thought the girl had been misled. But here you are, with her in your arms! What do you have to say for yourself?"

Looking down at his passenger once again, he let his arms drop and stepped away. As the pouting blue haired spirit floated into an upright position, he stared back at the ghost. "It's nothing of the sort, Myrtle. Merlin is just a friend, she-"

"Friend, friend, is that how it is?" She huffed up, cutting you off. "I can't believe it. I've been here for you all this time. I helped you out in your stupid tournament. I left my bathroom to give you directions. I even offered for you to share my _toilet_…"

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" Harry and Myrtle both turned to Merlin. "I am behind the times. I have so many euphemisms I need to catch up on…" She smirked as the ghost drew in an airless breath, puffing up again.

"Nothing of the sort. I had offered to share with him if he died! You know what kind of commitment that is? No, you don't. I see how it is. You're just some foreign, big-breasted hussy who decided to put _your _hat on _his_ head and take advantage of him in a weak moment! As soon as you get bored, you're going to ditch him. I know your _type_, poltergeist."

One of the words caught her attention, as she narrowed her eyes. "_Really_. You say you know my type. If you know my type…" Merlin summoned up a number of bright colored bullets, making them spin lazily about her. "You know full well of what I'm capable of."

Scared but refusing to cow to the pressure, Myrtle rebutted, "S-sure, I know. We _all_ know by now. And we can't do a thing." She paused, before saying, "But I'm patient. I'll fight as much as I can. And I'll be here when you decide to leave him!" At that, she decided to fly off, vanishing into one of the walls.

"Well, isn't she a pleasant girl." For the first time that he could remember, Merlin was grinding her teeth and appeared to be _angry_. "Any other girlfriends of yours I need to meet, Harry?"

"Not that I can think. And she wasn't my girlfriend." Cautiously he approached the girl, laying a hand on her shoulder. He shivered at how cold it was at that moment. "Are you ok? Don't think I've seen you this angry."

Not facing him, yet not pulling away, she growled, "Peachy. Just can not believe she called me that."

Thinking back over what Myrtle had thrown out, Harry was a bit confused. Most of the language had been bandied about, and some of it Merlin referred to herself as. "What do you mean by that?"

"_Big breasted_. Of all the things she could have called me, she had to call me that." She let out an incomprehensible growl. "Sure, I'm the cheery one. I'm the biggest one of us. I'm the most outgoing one. But that always makes me turn out to be some sort of bimbo in their eyes!" Suddenly, she snapped about, a fake smile stretching her face. "But I feel better now. Just great. How about we go prank someone, now? I think that I need the distraction."

Lamenting the growls that were now issuing from his stomach, he said, "Alright Merlin. You have something in mind?"

"Nah, just want to scare someone. Do you think the Slytherins will mind if their food comes to life and threatens to eat them instead?" She continued to give him that fake smile, as her head tilted to an angle nearly unnatural.

Pointedly looking over her shoulder and not at her face, he nodded. "Alright then, I suppose that will be fine. What do you want me to do?"

Her face shifted again, tilting back upright as her smile softened into a real one. Albeit one just as big. "You're the best! And not too much. Just tell me how they react! I'm going to do the Hufflepuffs next time, so I need to know if I have to improve my technique first!" At that, she floated through the wall herself. "I'll see you sooner than you expect, Harry!"

After a few seconds of silence, when he realized that she had disappeared truly and was not about to leap out at him, he slapped his forehead. In the process, he knocked off the pink hat that had bedecked him this whole time. Picking it up, he stared at it for a second, before placing it back on. "I don't know what she's doing, but that girl will be the death of me, either way."

A/N And that's the best place for me to end this one. Hello all, been a bit. I should have had this one up a lot sooner, but I was stuck at about 1.6k words for the longest time. And that was after rewriting the whole first section. So I just told myself to screw it, write the whole thing out, and see how it went. Although partially it's for next time, which _will_ be the first Defense lesson of the year! *evil laugh*

Also, as for the story, yes, the characters are being Flandre-(ha)-ized, and Merlin is a bit of a Sue. That was intentional, of course. But I believe that this is the most stereotypical that I've written any of the HP characters. It's amusing, at the least. Jealous!Ginny, while not one I particularly like, is good for a few laughs. Maybe I should introduce her to Parsee. _So you know Harry? You are good friends with him? That makes me… jealous._

Actually, that's a scary thought. Very scary. Let's do it.

Oh, off topic, but has anyone thought that the girl in the Verizon commercials about the lemonade looks like Rumia? Because ever since I started playing Touhou, that's what she has reminded me of. Verizon gave her lemons, took off her ribbon, and she went EX-Boss on the lemonade supply business. And I suppose if you're not careful enough, she'll go and _burn your house down with the lemons that Verizon gave her_.

Cave Johnson supports EX-Rumia.

Btw, while I should have been writing, it's not like I was trying to rebuild Prismriver manor in Minecraft. Nope. Nothing of the sort.


	4. How Do I Shot Danmaku?

_Breaking News from the _**Cirno News Network**_, as elite reporter Rita Skeeter of the _**Daily Prophet **_has discovered Senior Undersecretary to the Minister has been found frozen. On it is written: This is a frozen statue of an ugly frog lady. All icefairyship is of the highest quality. The statue is inlaid with globules of spit. The object menaces with spikes of ice. On the item is a description of the statue. On the item is an image of a frog lady. The frog lady is cowering. On the item is an image of a fairy. The fairy is triumphant. One local commented that she looked better than she had ever previously._

_Note: _**Cirno News Network **_and associated publications are produced under the _**Nineball Corp. (**⑨**)**_ Any information disseminated by _⑨_ is most likely untrue, and is rebutted by the parent corporation. We here are _**Nineball Corp.**_ would like to thank all of those who have sent in pictures and videos of the altercation between our namesake and the Senior Undersecretary. We enjoyed them very much, and hope that they will increase sales once we print them._

_This has been a message from _**Nineball Corp. (**⑨**) **_and the _**Cirno News Network**_. Remember, _**WE ARE THE STRONGEST!**_ Now, back to your irregularly scheduled fic._

Chapter 4 - How Do I Shot Danmaku?

"_Welcome_ to your sixth year here at Hogwarts. I do not know how, or why you were able to get into this class. Knowing the… _talent_, that I have witnessed you show in the past five years, I am afraid that I have my work cut out for me."

Snape swept his robes to the side as he turned about his desk. Dark eyes flashing between students, his lips curled up. "Indeed, I may have much to do to improve the performance of the lot of you. But enough for now." He paused, before turning back around, retreating to his desk.

Reaching his position behind his desk, he swept his beady eyes over the students, resting them on each and every one. Under the attention, Ron merely glared back, and Malfoy preened himself. However, Harry and his ghostly companion only grinned back at the man, causing his scowl to deepen. "Enough, we will begin. You dunderheads may not have much in the way of talent, with a few exceptions," At that, his eyes drifted back over to Malfoy, before returning to face the entire class. "But it is my _responsibility_ to teach you to become more effective at defending yourselves."

He splayed his hands on the table, leaning forward. "To that effect, I will instruct you in the methods to silent spellcasting. Too long I have endured listening to simpletons bleating words out, crudely throwing their magic about. To be a competent wizard, you must be able to bespell, bewitch, and enchant your foes without giving yourself away."

Snape glared again at the students. "To that affect… Pair up. I do not care with whom at this point in time. However, I _do_ expect there to be results. If you spend the time I have given you with inanities, I may have make an example of you." He blinked. "Use nothing more powerful than disarming spells or stinging hexes. I will _not_ be happy if I have to send you to Pomfrey's care."

Shrugging, Harry turned to Merlin as hushed whispers blanketed the room. "So, I guess there shouldn't be a question here?"

The blue haired poltergeist merely grinned, as she is wont to do. "Of course there should be. Questions are always good. For example, why is that Professor's hair so greasy?"

Harry shook his head, taking care not to look at Snape. "I'm not quite sure. None of us have ever been able to figure it out. Although it might have something to do with potions."

The girl shivered, momentarily losing her grin. "Terrible things then, these potions." She looked Harry in the eye. "Are you sure it isn't too late for you to drop that class then?"

Harry shook his head, frowning slightly. "Considering what I had to go through to get into that class, I'd rather not. Why do you ask?"

Suddenly, her grin covered her face once again. "Cuz I don't want your hair to get all greasy, of course! That would make my hands all icky when I rub them through it."

Staring at her for a second, Harry couldn't help but to break down into soft chuckles. "Only you Merlin. Only you." Shaking his head, he pulled out his wand. "I suppose that we might just go ahead and get this over with. I'd rather not get any trouble called down on our heads."

"Oh, you're no fun." Smiling, she continued speaking. "Oh, but this should be fun. Come on, give me your best shot." Dramatically, she raised a hand to her forehead. "I know that I'm a knockout, so go ahead and knock me about."

He snorted. "That was bad, Merlin. Course, that's just the way you are, so I really shouldn't be surprised by this point." Quieting himself, he stretched out his hand, flicking his wand and attempting to cast a stinging hex.

The weak spell shot forth from his wand, but only travelled three inches before fading back out of existence. Merlin looked down at the wand, and grinned. "Oh, I was expecting something a tad more impressive than that, Harry. Or was that simply a premature ejection of the spell?"

Harry groaned softly to himself. "Oh, that one was even worse. And no, it's normally stronger. I'm surprised anything happened at all."

Merlin shrugged at him. "Who knows? Just try again. Maybe you'll be able to figure it out." After a few more attempted casts of the spell, none of which flew further than half a foot, Merlin shook her head and chuckled at him. "Oh, I think I know what you're doing wrong. You're not connecting with your magic!"

Looking blankly at the poltergeist, Harry said, "You don't say. Then what has this been coming out of my wand?"

Smirking at him, she merely said, "Are you _sure_ you want to know?" Not waiting for his mind to catch up, she stepped forward to him. "But that isn't the point. You're doing this all wrong. You' need to _feel _your magic, and to let it fill you. You're just touching it now."

Harry raised an eyebrow, and ignored the prickling in the back of his mind telling him to back away. "How would you know that; last I checked, you're not exactly…" He glanced around, making sure no one was paying too close of attention. "Normal?"

The poltergeist shrugged at him. "I'm still a magical construct, either way you look at it. And besides, how would I be able to play my trumpet or create danmaku if I wasn't able to know magic." Taking a step even closer to him, her grinned widened even further, baring her teeth. "Just hold still, this won't hurt too much." At that, she pulled her arm back and thrust it into Harry's chest.

Nearly staggering back in shock, Harry looked down to see the ghostly arm of his friend penetrating him through his chest. Fortunately, he did not feel anything past the all-too-familiar chill that his friend always induced. "Merlin, what are you doing?"

"Yes, Miss Prismriver, what _are_ you doing?"

Harry attempted to turn his head and face the source of his voice. However, as Merlin's arm seemed to have become attached, he was unable to see more than a flash of black. However, he still had that sinking feeling to tell him who it was that was watching them. Without further ado, the greasy haired form of his hated professor slinked around him, before staring down at the blue haired girl. "Indeed, Miss Prismriver, do tell us. I thought that I had instructed my students to practice _silent casting_. Whatever have you deigned to do instead?"

The poltergeist didn't even bother looking at him, instead squeezing her eyes and biting her tongue as she continued to prod Harry's insides. "Oh, I'm just looking for Harry's ball."

As the slam of a forehead meeting a desk issued from the background, Snape merely raised his eyebrow. "Oh? Do tell then, Miss Prismriver, why you believe you thought it would be a good idea to be so personal with your… _boyfriend_, in the middle of _my_ class."

Merlin turned her head to face him, eyes widened in innocence. "Oh! No, I'm not looking for _those _balls; I'm looking for one of his other ones. Although, I have to say, those already belong to me. At least, everyone else keeps saying so."

The professor gritted his teeth, staring down at the young girl. "As _entertaining _as your love life is, Miss Prismriver, I care not one whit for it. Please remove your hand from Mister Potter, so that I may decide exactly how I will be punishing you two."

"Oh, just hold onto your hat for one moment, I've almost found them." She turned back to Harry, reaching in even farther. "Where in the world… Scattered everywhere… Some in heart, some in brain, some in left toe… got it!" With a snap, she yanked her arm out of Harry, who only stood there and blinked. See! Now you'll have a much easier time with it! Try now, just focus and fire."

Catching his breath and shooting a dubious look at Merlin, Harry ignored the irate professor and waved his wand at the wall, mentally repeating the animation. Shock covered his face as a multitude of spells flew out and splashed against the other wall.

"Wonderful! Now we're getting somewhere. Don't you worry, we'll get you doing danmaku in no time."

Snape looked between the two of them, before grabbing each of their arms. "Enough of that. Since you've decided to make such an example of yourself, I believe I'll have to duel you. Such _progress_ must be rewarded, don't you agree?"

Not reacting at all to the man's aggressive actions, Merlin merely grinned at him. "Since I'm the one who taught him that, wouldn't that mean I'm the better one? And shouldn't a teacher test the best in their class?" Her smile grew to be unnaturally wide. "Besides, you aren't afraid of a little girl, are you?"

Snarling he spun around, dragging Merlin along with him. "Very well, since you're so eager, I'll make an example out of you first. Perhaps Potter will enjoy it more that way.

Seeing the look on Merlin's face, Harry was hardly worried. Shoving down his desire to kick the man between his legs for manhandling Merlin, he sat down on his desk.

As Snape nearly threw her to the far end of the room, he strode to the other side and removed his wand. Cape billowing dramatically behind him, he spun and faced Merlin. "Prepare yourself. I will not be gentle on you."

Merlin just blinked back. "Of course you won't. But I must ask, are the Spellcard Rules in effect?"

The man sneered, seeming to resist the urge to go ahead and cast a spell. "No they are not. This is a proper wizard's duel, and I care not for whatever system your home may have concocted."

The girl in pink merely stared at him. Slowly but surely, her constant grin grew as wide as it was possible for a human's to grow. Then, it kept spreading until it reached halfway up her cheeks, and she revealed rows of sharpened teeth that had not been there before. "_Perfect_ then, I suppose I can have a little fun after all."

Taking pity on the man, who was slightly nonplussed at the Poltergeist's appearance, Harry called out, "Don't kill him Merlin. It'd be too messy."

Her smile almost vanished into a pout, before being replaced nearly instantaneously by one less extreme. "If you insist, Harry. But you didn't say anything about how much I could hurt him…" Nearly humming to herself, she snapped her fingers, causing her trumpet to appear in mid air above her left shoulder. "Are you ready, Mr. Greasy Haired Professor Sir? Or do you need the little girl to take the first shot?"

Suddenly silenced by her words, the professor verbally growled, before quieting. Giving Merlin the briefest of nods, he snapped the wand up into position, where it shot forth a purplish projectile at Merlin.

Staring idly at it, Merlin shimmer slightly as the spell approached. Surprising everyone but Harry, the spell seemed to merely slip through her before slamming into the wall behind her. Still grinning, she merely waves her hands as two streams of light materialize from behind her and stream forward towards Snape. Bringing up a shield, he blocked the streams, wincing as he did so. Raising his wand again, he lashed out with a stream of multicolored lights,

All of these proceeded to do nothing more than scar the floor as Merlin spun out of the way, launching another pair of her lasers. As they passed her head, they exploded into a shower of bullets, which made the man raise his shield once more.

Cowering behind it, Snape attempted to wait the bullet barrage out as a few hundred floating red balls pummeled into the shield, before shattering.

Merlin didn't even bother finishing off the professor, though. Still smirking widely, she stared at Snape as he slowly made his way back to his feet. "Does that mean I win, or do I need to make you forfeit?"

Snape grumbled to himself, glaring angrily at the girl. "I don't know _what_ you are, but I will find out eventually. But as for now, get out. The lot of you."

Chair suddenly scraping, the class who had been silently watching the curb stomping that Merlin had given their professor gathered up their supplies and flung them into their bags, dashing to the door. Silently laughing at their reactions, Harry slowly packed his, knowing that there was no way he'd ever try to beat a rush such as this. After the crowd had cleared, he made his way up to the girl, who was still staring at the professor with her grin painted on her face. "Alright, Merlin, let's get out of here."

"Aww." She turned about and fixed Harry with a pout. "But I wanted to throw in one extra cheap shot."

Harry simply shook his head. "No, he's done. I think he got the message." He chanced a glance at the professor, who was still seething.

"It was your intention to send such a message? I'll be having words with the Headmaster later. But now, Potter, I suggest you take your bitch and get out."

Before Harry could shoot back any remark, Merlin just turned her head towards Snape, twisting it far past a human would have been capable. Smirking, she gazed over his shoulder. "On the other hand, I believe that you are about to become one, Professor Snape."

Suddenly stiffening, Snape turned around slowly. There to meet him was a dog, floating in the middle of the air. Rising to meet him at eye level, it slowly moved forward until it was nearly touching him. Grinning at him, the dog opened his maw and spoke one distinctly human word.

"Woof."

The whimper from Snape was the last thing Harry heard as Merlin ushered him out of the room. "We've got to give your godfather room to work, shouldn't we? After all, he's spent so long planning this. And an artist like him needs his privacy.

-oo-

"So, what was it that you did to me again?"

"Oh, nothing too bad all, Harry." Merlin laughed softly to herself, turning to walk by her companion. "In fact, you should be thankful. I did grant you a great boon."

Harry snorted. "Of course you did. Keep talking like that and you'll sound like that old hag in the stories you've spoken of."

Merlin turned and gave Harry the biggest wide-eyed look that was possible. "Sound like that old hag? Dear me, I suppose I will have to mind my tongue about you from now on. And such a pity. I thought you liked my tongue."

Rolling his eyes, he sighed. "Hardy har har. I'm sure it's quite nice, but that isn't the point." He raised his hand to his chest. "You did stick my hand in me, after all. I'm used to that, it's just the fact that you moved something around in there…"

The poltergeist floated over and patted his shoulder. "Oh do calm down Harry, I only moved around your magic. It's not like I gave your chest a ghostly handjob." She winked at him. "Or did I…" Grinning at the blush that crept up his neck, she continued. "Like I said, I found your magic and centered it. Can't you feel it now? A small pulsating ball about chest level. Just focus, and you can feel it."

Harry closed his eyes, searching for the feeling. Surprisingly, it was relatively easy to feel out. In his minds eye, he could almost see himself represented in the orb. "I think I see it. It's telling me… Telling me to take it easy?"

Snickering, the girl shook her head. "Be careful. You don't want one of them popping out. It ain't exactly pleasant." She launched herself into the air, floating beside Harry. "You might say that I went and upgraded your relationship with your magic. Remind me, have you ever kissed a girl?"

Harry looked away, face becoming covered with red. "You already wormed that out of me, Merlin. I did. Once. It was wet."

"I remember now, poor dear…" Suddenly, she leaned forward, placing her face right in front of Harry's. Breathing uncharacteristically hot air across his face, she smiled. "I might have to fix that, one of these days." Just as suddenly, she was back in her previous position, innocently floating along. "But think of it as a good comparison. Before, you had only tentatively kissed your magic. You've barely touched it. Now though, you're playing bedtop sports for indoor types with your magic! You're a lot closer!"

"Bedtop sports…?" His eyes crossed as he attempted to figure out what she was referring to. "Wait a second… You mean I'm having sex with my magic?"

"You're doing WHAT with your magic, Harry?"

Slamming his hand to his forehead, Harry turned to face the bushy haired friend of his that had apparently just stumbled onto their conversation. "It's not what it sounds like."

Hermione merely folded her arms and stared the two down. "Then what is it? From the sound of it, this poltergeist is doing perverted things with your magic!"

Harry shook his head at her, supplicating. "No, no, she's just using a metaphor to explain. And you know how Merlin is, she loves to be crude."

At that, Merlin turned towards Harry. "You mean you don't like it when I'm crude, H-Harry?" Her lip began to shake as her eyes grew to unnatural sizes.

Faced with the sight before them, Harry immediately turned towards Merlin in an attempt to fix that situation. "Nothing of the sort, Merlin. You know I love it when you're all perverted." The sudden silence, and the pulsating blood vessel on Hermione's forehead told him that the statement was not well received. "That… came out wrong."

Apparently, however, Merlin was satisfied with Harry's statement. "Oh, don't worry Harry, I know what you mean. I'll get the kinky stuff ready for later." Grinning once more, she turned to Hermione. "See, he's alright with it, so what is your problem?"

Giving a long-suffering sigh, the older girl narrowed her eyes. "Everything. You're messing with his magic, his very _essence_. There's no telling what you could be doing to him."

Merlin rolled her eyes at the girl. "Sheesh, Hermione. I've not done much of anything to his _essence_, whatever that is. Why did you put that in italics?" Ignoring the questioning looks from her companions, she pushed forward. "But no matter. I've done nothing to his soul, I've only messed around with his magic."

"Well, that's better at least. still-"

"At least, nothing much to his soul." She raised a finger to her lips, tapping it gently. "It's such a foreign object to my sisters and I. I may have accidentally jerked it around a time or two, but I didn't do anything too bad. At least very much."

Blinking at the smaller girl, Hermione paused for a few moments before asking, "A soul is a foreign object to you? Don't you have one?"

"Of course not." As the two humans stared at her, the constant grin on her face faded, slightly. "Remember, Miss Hermione, I am a poltergeist. I was never born, only created. I'm not the original Merlin, as she died a long time ago. After I was created, even." Forcing herself to smile again, she said, "It doesn't matter though. What was it that people say? I think, therefore I am. At least, I think I think." Turning to Harry, she asked, "Harry, do I think? Or do I merely think that I think?"

Shocked out of his momentary stupor, Harry laughed. "Nope, you don't think at all Merlin. You're a complete airhead, remember?"

Eyes sparkling, her grinned faded back into a more natural form. "Oh, that was what it was! I thought that I felt wind between my ears. Thanks for clarifying Harry."

"Anytime, Merlin."

Knitting her forehead at the oncoming headache, Hermione said, "Alright, alright. At least you seemed to have good intentions. And you didn't do anything pervy to his magic."

Sensing opportunity, the poltergeist suddenly whipped her head about. "Oh, I didn't do anything to his _magic_. The rest of him, on the other hand…"

Eyes blazing once again, Hermione turned to Merlin, and opened her mouth to begin berating her. As she did, Harry's head found comfort in the palm of his hand. "I wish I had someone here who could fix this."

"Have no fear, Nitori is here!"

At that, all three of them froze and turned to the new voice. A voice issued from a girl slightly shorter than Hermione, who also had blue hair, and wore a blue dress with an excess of pockets. Blinking at Merlin, who looked momentarily shocked before regaining her composure, Harry decided to ask, "Umm, who exactly are you?"

The girl seemed to bounce at the question, blue pigtails waving in the air. "I'm Nitori Kawashiro, the Super Youkai Warhead! I heard you had a problem that needed to be fixed. Perhaps I can be of some assistance?" At that, she withdrew a cucumber from one of the pockets and began to munch noisily on it.

The two humans glanced at each other. "I don't believe we quite expected something this extreme…" Turning to Merlin, Harry tilted his head at the new girl. "I don't suppose you know her?"

Nodding, the poltergeist flipped and floated over. "Naturally. If I'm correct, you're one of the Kappa from the Youkai Mountain."

Eagerly returning her nod, Nitori exclaimed, "Of course! I had been given directions to someplace here in the west that needed some work done. I just was passing by, and I knew that I had to help. Humans and kappa are allies, after all."

Hermione tilted her head curiously. "They are? I know the kappa we've been taught about are not fond of humans at all, unless we give them cucumbers." She eyed the quickly disappearing vegetable in the smaller girl's hand. "And they looked distinctly less… Human."

The girl just grinned at her. "Well, of course we don't. After all, do humans fling poop at each other like monkeys."

At that, Harry grinned. "Well, Fred and George loved dungbombs… does that count?" Hermione merely shrugged. "But where in the west were you going? It's not exactly easy to drop by here by accident…"

"Oh, someplace called Albuquerque. I caught a gap from Yukari here; she said it was a shortcut. How far to the place?"

Harry sighed and placed his head back in his hands. Sparing a glance at Merlin, he asked, "Yukari _would_ believe that the best shortcut to the colonies from Japan is via Scotland, wouldn't she?"

"Yup, she would." Grinning, she floated next to Nitori. Peering over the other blue haired girl's shoulder, she asked, "Did she happen to give you anything? A guide perhaps?"

Looking up at the poltergeist, she withdrew a book from one of her multiple pockets. "Here you go! She said the directions were on here."

Grabbing the booklet, Merlin began to page through. Through her fingers, Harry could vaguely make out the word 'Script' written on the cover. Before he could ask what it was about, Merlin's head snapped back up. "Of course, here's the problem. You should have taken the left gap to Albuquerque, instead of the right gap."

Nitori merely blinked at the girl, looking at the girl and back up again. "But Yukari only gave me one gap to go through…" Suddenly she slapped her head. "Of course, Yukari. We know you're there. Can you please just open up a gap?" A giggle sounded throughout the hall, before a line appeared in front of the group.

The kappa smiled at the action. "Thank you." Suddenly, she turned to the two humans. "Oh, I forgot to ask. Which of you two is the more intelligent one?"

Harry looked at Hermione, before answering for her. "Well, she's often known as the smartest witch of our generation."

"Wonderful!" She grinned at the bushy haired girl. "Would you mind if I picked your brain for a bit?"

Hermione slowly shook her head. "No, I don't suppose I do…"

The kappa grinned and started to dig around in her pockets. "Excellent! Give me a second, I need to get my scalpel and forceps…"

Suddenly, the witch blanched. "Wait a second, you didn't mean literally pick it. I thought that you were only being metaphorical with your expression…?"

Nitori raised her head and slowly shook it. "Poor girl… If I were being literally, I would have used an ice pick. But I'm nice, so only a scalpel for you." She paused for a moment, tilting her head. "Besides, it will only hurt for a moment!"

Before the kappa could advance on Hermione, a pale hand grabbed her arm. "Nitori, I think you need to get going. Don't you have an appointment?"

Looking at the poltergeist, Nitori shrugged. "That I do, but it wasn't particularly urgent."

"Still, have you looked at the title on my… book?" From within her hat, Merlin whipped out yet another book that was mostly identical to Nitori's. Leaning down, she let the kappa's eyes rest on the words for a moment. "See? It says _Spirits_. Not Happy Kappa. The two are considered to be different."

Interrupting the two was a nearly glassy eyed Hermione, who seemed to be running on autopilot. "Actually, kappa can be considered spirits. They are a type of Japanese water sprite, a generic term for supernatural creatures. Sprites typically include fairies and other elf-like beings, but some argue that even certain spirits, including ghosts, can be considered as sprites. Also, some consider the kappa to be water deities, and as such are a type of spirit."

Harry looked back and forth between Hermione and the two blue haired girls. "Err, Hermione? Should you have said that? I thought you wanted Nitori to _not_ commence with the brain picking."

However, instead of continuing to proceed with the attempts to probe Hermione, Nitori had frozen. "Water… deity…" She began muttering several incomprehensible words under her breath. Eventually, she took a big breath and stared at Hermione. "This is wonderful news! The scientific ramifications could be numerous? Kappa, considered a deity? This requires testing."

Leaping forward to hug Hermione, she just as suddenly sprung back and began walking towards the gap. "I must be onward then! After I correct this next problem, I need to head back to Gensokyo, and feed myself to one of the hell crow! Perhaps one of Koishi's pets. Then, we can discover if we truly are minor deities, and are able to pass on our abilities to other youkai! For SCIENCE!" With that, she leapt into the gap, which tied itself back up before disappearing.

Shaking his head while resisting the urge to break out laughing, Harry looked up at the remaining blue haired girl. "So, Merlin, do all the girls in Gensokyo have blue hair, or only the crazy ones."

While she harrumphed, she did give him a hint of a sly smile. "Oh, I'm hardly crazy at all. At least compared to that girl. Kappa…" Shaking her head, she jerked a thumb at Hermione, who was still standing rigid and vacant eyed. "You want to do anything about her?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah… I suppose we did kinda freak her out. She's not used to our brand of crazy."

"Oh, our brand?" The grin had returned in full force to Merlin's face. "So, have you decided to throw in your lot with me?"

He rolled his eyes as he drew his wand. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you want to tell yourself at night to help you sleep."

"But I don't-"

"I know you don't. You just sneak into my dreams sometimes to amuse yourself." Turning to Hermione, he attempted to cast _Locomotor Mortis _with as little power as possible. Which resulted with Hermione's forehead having a rather sudden and intense relationship with the ceiling of the hall they were in. Immediately lowering her down, he winced at the red mark on her face. "That's gonna be felt in the morning."

"Yup!" Cheery as always, Merlin fell into formation floating beside Harry. "You'll need to make up a good story for her. With a shiner like that, she should be allowed to brag."

"If you say so, Merlin. But why don't you make it up." He turned to eye the girl. "You're better at that anyway."

"Moi? Telling lies?" Fluttering her eyebrows, she gave Harry an innocent grin. "Who, me?"

Flatly, Harry said, "Yes, you."

"Hrmph. Flatterer."

For a while, the pair walked in silence, before a thought from earlier came niggling on the edge of Harry's mind. "Oh, Merlin?"

"Yes, Harry?"

"What you were talking about earlier… About not being the original? I don't care. You're real enough to me."

A sniff from beside him made Harry turn his head. For a moment, he thought he saw watery eyes forming. But he blinked, and they were dry again. Still, her grin was less teasing and warmer then it had been for the longest time. "Thanks, Harry. I'd like to think so, too."

Harry was about to ask something else, before a groan issued from his cargo. Looking back at Hermione, he waved Merlin forward. "Did you hear what she said?" As the poltergeist shook her head, he leaned forward along with her to hear what she wanted.

"…Merlin's haiwy bawls…"

The next few seconds resounded with silence, until the two finally succumbed to their giggles.

A/N Alrighty, I have this one up a bit faster than the last one. I'll admit, a lot of that last scene came from nowhere. I decided (quite randomly) that Nitori was going to appear, and just let it run from there. And the Super Youkai warhead goes and traumatizes Hermione. Poor dear.

As for the duel with Snape, yes I am aware it was a curbstomp. That's the point. No spell card duels means that Merlin can remain intangible, and let most spells pass through her. Plus, Wizards shoot out… what, 3-5 spells at a time? Not counting transfiguration and charms, multiple of which could be active and ongoing. But would they really have anything to counter hundreds of bullets coming at them at once? Especially without limitations. Plus, it's Snape. He started it, Merlin finished it, and Sirius… You don't want to know.

Not to mention that when I played against Merlin (with Sakuya) for the very first time, I did not say, "Oh, this is gonna suck." Instead, I thought, for the first time, "This is gonna be fun." Part of why I like Merlin so much.

Anyways, I can tell that this story is developing Cerberus Syndrome. (AKA, I'm sensing PLOT! springing up). So, should I try and actually work in more PLOT!, or keep it episodic? Either way, I'm hoping to keep most of it based on humor and bad puns. As always, please review!


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